9 Sep. 2009

Magical Oak Prayer Come True



So I'm taking Julochkas challenge. Apparently writing is the new praying, and so I thought if I added an ancient oak on top of that writing. A magical one from the gardens of the Lund cathedral. Then my dreams, hopes and aspirations definitely will come true.

I'm always looking for lessons in life. From lessons come wisdom. So every time I make a mistake, which is pretty often, I try to find some meaning in it.

So I'm going to try to tell you about one of the biggest lessons I ever learned. The one about staying true to oneself. And maybe, just maybe. With the power of nine, the power of writing and the power of the oak it will be easier to stay true. 

In many ways I'm the typical middle child. My big sis (bless her) paved the way for an easier life. So she got to be the good one. I got to be the rebellious one.
Now please don't misunderstand. My rebelliousness did mostly revolve around chosing to study the environmental sciences and dyeing my hair purple. All done to be recognised as special, of course. Not to be mistaked as one of the masses.
Even though I worked hard, I was told I was cruising, and I was lazy, and if I really put my heart into it I could go great places. Nobody, I felt, noticed my specialness.
So after years On My Own. I came home. Purple hair now a normal shade of brown. And with a degree in Environmental Sciences. And a degree in Life. Now my Life Degree is far from complete, but I did gain som life study points in my years in the Big Abroad. Equipped with my degrees I was ready to face Life. But life was obviously not ready to face me. After fruitlessly applying for jobs my Dad decided to sit me down an give me som Precious Life Advice. It summed down to something like:

"If you want to get ahead in life you can't be you."

I was crushed.
Here I had spent 20 years of life trying to find me, and he didn't see it. He didn't see me. 
I wasn't good enough.

After about an hour of crying I decided to tell my Dad that enough was enough. We cried. We hugged.
But ever since (and probably before then) I have always struggeled with the notion that what I am is just not enough. And I continue trying and trying to be better, more special. I call it Good Girl Syndrome.

It has made me sick. Me trying to please everyone.  It ended up giving me a depression twice. And this spring my body just said stop. And froze in a painful position. And stayed there.

She's rambling, you're thinking. How can she stay true to herself if that means making herself sick with trying to please everyone. But staying true is about learning lessons. And not making the same mistakes again. And staying true to oneself.

So I started blogging. And here, in the blogosphere I'm as close to true as I can get. And if writing is praying, then a lot of my prayers have come true. Someone is reading. Someone is (hopefully) touched. And someone thinks I'm special.

I've ditched the blue hair. My science degree come journalism degree has given me a great creative dayjob. I have a beautiful son. I have a man who loves me even though I yell at him in the morning.

And now I keep trying to please you.

Is there a lesson waiting to happen?
I hope I catch it before it catches me.

3 comments:

  1. reading - check.
    touched - check.
    think you're special - check.
    but you must only, only ever do this for you ok?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Who you are is exactly who you should be.

    ReplyDelete
  3. writing really is the new praying and it can take us pretty far.

    ReplyDelete

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